Radioactive fish suppers and things JK doesn’t know about Harry Potter: This week in the Herald Diary

THE Diary recently reported the terrifying true story of a race of huge spiders that have proliferated near Hunterston A power station in Ayrshire.

We realize our readers are a tricky tribe, so we won’t reveal precisely how massive these arachnids were – although we will say the eight-legged monsters would have been useful during the current fuel price crisis. Instead of driving to work, it would be cheaper to ride a Hunterston spider and then gallop the beast down the M8.

Meanwhile, optimistic reader Brian Chrystal says, “Nuclear power plants can be good for us. A guy fishing on the shore near Torness told me he enjoyed a great cod leg for dinner.

Bold performance

THE Diary’s Book Nook proves to be wonderfully inspiring. We imagine that thousands of people are now throwing their mobile phones in the trash, preferring to read great works of literature rather than scroll through endless messages on Twitter.

(We certainly hope people get rid of their cellphones, as the newspaper has ordered an elite team of investigative journalists to rummage through rubbish bins across Scotland, in the hope that we can salvage a pile of phones to play with in the office. We’re bored reading all those pesky books.)

Carl Williamson of Largs is not just a lover of literature. He also enjoyed Wimbledon, so he suggests we add to our library of terrific tomes a volume called… Essays of a Spanish Tennis Player by Buster Gut.

Not engulfed

HAVING decided to go on a diet, reader Julie Wright says, “I don’t eat sandwiches anymore. I quit cold turkey.

Brought to book

JK Rowling is a fairly famous Edinburgh author you may have heard of. Although it seems her own family sometimes needs a crash course in mom’s books.

“One of my kids was idle one afternoon and went on one of those Potter walking tours with their best friend for a laugh,” JK reveals, adding, “They came home with a ton of information that was new to me.”

Cleaning Instructions

Reader’s daughter Gwen White attended University of London. Gwen worried that she would not embrace student life. A fear that subsided when the teenager made her first phone call at home after a week and without preamble said: “Mom, how do you get sick wearing a coat?”

Nautical banter

Historically-minded reader Alicia Hogan reaches out to say, “Not many people know that the Titanic had a sister ship called the Italic. Luckily it didn’t sink. He was just leaning to one side.

Ironic interlude

PHILOSOPHICAL thought of the day from reader Ken Garner, who says, “The only thing fire drills really teach people is how to sarcastically leave a building in a group.”

Bam means Nam

GLASGOW taxi driver Mark Rushton drove an American tourist this week who said: ‘I like the simmering tension in your city. I was in the self service queue at Sainsbury’s and a drunk guy started shouting that he was overcharged for Frosties. I felt like I was in a Vietnamese movie.

liquid launch

HOLIDAY Oddities. Glasgow playwright Catriona Duggan was struggling to enjoy a boat trip while nursing a hangover.

“So when they handed out little cups of water, I took one gratefully,” says Catriona.

Alas, the liquid she was gurgling turned out to be grappa.

“This is the story of my death at sea,” moans the pitifully awkward playwright.

boring movie

THERE IS a game being played on social media where moviegoers describe their favorite movies in the dullest way possible.

The paper’s correspondent, Ben Warrillow, suggests: “Pub owner meets his ex-girlfriend.

The movie Ben is referring to is, of course…Casablanca.

Dead Reckoning

HEARD in a cafe in Newton Mearns by reader Rebecca Townsend…

Old lady number 1: Do you remember Albert?

Old lady number 2: Of course. Charming man. Always so spiritual!

Old lady number 1: Well, yes. That’s what I thought. But it’s no longer fun. I’ve seen him at a lot of funerals recently, and he didn’t smile once.

To push

THE Tory leadership race is heating up and the nation is eager to find out who will be next to mess up 10 Downing Street.

It could be Rishi Sunak, in which case we will all end up miserable and broke. Alternatively, it could be Penny Mordaunt, and we’ll be broke and miserable instead.

Our optimistic readers point out that, as bad as it will undoubtedly get, it surely won’t be as hideous as their childhood.

Winston Clarke says: “When I was young, we were so poor that we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people’s fingers.

Liquid laughter

JET-SET reader Hamish Auld remembers getting on a flight to Portugal and asking for a glass of water.

A cabin crew member replied, “Always?”

“Yeah,” Hamish said. “I haven’t changed my mind in the last few seconds.”

• Read Lorne Jackson’s diary in The Herald every day.

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